Love is a battlefield: marriage and the busy hockey season
A mom from the @fortheloveofhockey11 community asked me to open a discussion on how everyone's marriage is going now that most families are done with the grueling and demanding youth hockey season.
I didn't ask for background information or context. I felt like I didn't need it. The notion that a marriage can experience strain during the end of a highly stressful and demanding journey - that of the regular season in youth hockey - is not earth shattering.
Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus
Hockey dads want more and more hockey; hockey moms just want to make it through the day. Mostly. I'm sure there are outliers but I decided to broadly generalize to simplify the point.
I snapped a picture of our family photo display to illustrate a point. This header image was taken 5 or 6 years ago, or maybe even longer. I clearly remember Jason was not even able to say "vacation," so he'd say we're on "cation" in Mystic, Connecticut. This was the last time we took a family photo. We have been this busy, yes, with hockey.
No shockers here. Youth hockey schedules are notoriously busy. Maybe busier than most other youth sports?
When I met Jack I knew he was really into hockey. I thought his passion was "cute." I had no idea that hockey would play such a big role in my daily life. I had no idea that both of our boys would be on a travel team, well traveling. I had no idea that I would not have control over my weekends for 6-7 months out of the year, every year.
But here we are. Doing the best we can.
I get frustrated and beg for a break. Our hockey dad doesn't seem to need one.
Then I get a good night sleep and seem to bounce back even when I thought it wasn't possible. "Not this time," I say periodically. But so far, I always do.
I don't have much advice to give but I'm very interested to see what others have to say and share. I think of it this way: yes, I didn't plan this for myself but it has been chosen (and quite honestly I didn't provide a sensible alternative) and I can't take it out of our lives or out of the boys' lives. Therefore, I need to be the party that compromises and makes it work.
Full disclosure, I'm scheduled to take a solo trip to visit a friend in Florida for a few days in April. I look at it as my reward (Jack will hold the fort alone in Connecticut with the boys) and my chance to recenter after the long season. It's obviously a rebalance in our sacrifice dynamics.
Let me know where you are mentally and what steps you're taking (if any) to seek balance?
- Kristina
I was a single parent for many years before hockey life started. My husband/son’s step father is wonderful in most ways but the heavy lifting is still on me which can certainly strain our newlywed bliss 😅. But he’s also the one to talk me off the ledge when I get too hyped up about team, practice, parents and all the other “stuff”. Luckily it’s just one kiddo and we can still find time for us on occasion. I don’t know how parents with multiple kids playing sports find the time. Hats off to all of you!!!
He coaches our daughter’s co-ed team and I manage it. We also have an older daughter who doesn’t play sports, so we are constantly trying to make time for each other and for her. It’s a struggle sometimes and my oldest definitely voices her thoughts and frustrations when we are packing up for “another hockey tournament!” But my youngest loves the game and she dual rosters, which is bananas for our schedule most days, so we do what we can. I will stay home with my oldest and do “rom-com nights,” where we watch a movie and eat dinner together. He will stay home for girls practice and play video games or do art with her so that she gets some feeling of being a priority. As far as time for each other, it’s crazy difficult! My mother-in-law lives pretty far from us, so she usually takes the girls for a couple of weeks each summer and we use that time to recharge and reconnect. We also just do our best to help each other around the house and be considerate of one another’s work schedules. It has gotten a little easier with each passing season to find ways to touch base emotionally and physically, but it’s definitely a challenge!! 🫶🏻
It’s not always unicorns and rainbows, but the craziness of hockey makes us stronger. With two hockey players it would be so challenging do it alone (I know many who do it alone, and I am in awe of them) and we both just want what’s best for each of our kiddos. So far we’ve been aligned in all things hockey for them. 90% of the time when one of us is exhausted the other takes up the slack and vice versa. The other 10% we’re both exhausted and snap at each other, but hey, that’s a small percent and we’re not perfect 😉 I’m glad he’s my teammate in all this chaos. Note: A new rink near us built a bar, so we grab a quick drink and watch the kids on the rare occasion they’re on the ice at the same time. Date night!
Also feeling desperate for a date night in our crazy lives too! We’ve done Sunday or Thursday night put the kids to bed or make them hang out alone so we can have 1 hour outside by the fire talking. Not enough but it’s something!